Apart from the suffocating humidity and the annoying teenager next to me playing what sounded like Fatboy Slim’s “Right About Now - the Funk Soul Brother” on his walkman at 120 decibels - it was the fly. One of those big black furry ones with the orange eyes. For some unexplainable reason it was crowding MY airspace - not that of any of the forty or so other people on this packed bus - no - JUST MINE.
I tried to ignore it - but it was not trying to ignore me. It was one of those “London Bus” flies - you know: they are more arrogant and persistent than other sorts. This one was doing its damnedest to get to me off the bus. It landed on my arm three times - dive bombed my face a dozen times and tried to get up my nose twice. At one point I was convinced that it was burrowing through my hair. What the f*ck was it about me that got this fly so horny? My shampoo? My hair gel? My aftershave? Sheeeze …
What made it worse was the fact that the journey home was taking twice as long as normal. So after around half hour I switched into “stay cool” mode. I closed my eyes and sat as rock solid still as I could. (This wasn’t so difficult given that the bus was stationary most of the time). At first I heard the buzzing get louder and then fainter- and oscillating like that for around 5 minutes or so. Then it went silent. (Apart from the ching-ching-ching of the walkman-zombie next to me.)
It wasn’t long before the c l o s e - y o u r - e y e s - o n - t h e - b u s hyponisis set in - and I started to drift in and out of sleep-state .…
It must have been 15 minutes later - woken my a sudden jolt of the bus - when I realised that I was only a couple of stops from home. Thank god - I was about to die of humidity poisoning by this point. Anyway - got off bus - got home - went upstairs, got changed - and THEN: As I was folding up my trousers for hanging I heard that DAMN BUZZING again - it looked like it had flown straight out of my trousers! And it was now surveying my house like it owned the place!
Let it be sufficient to say that I spent the next 20 minutes or so trying to woo it out of a window - and I succeeded in the end - but I am really puzzled as to how it transported itself into my house. It was DEFINITELY the same fly …
Posted by jag at July 16, 2003 10:56 PM“Breeze it, buzz it, easy does it.
Turn off the juice, boy!
Go man, go,
But not like a yo-yo schoolboy …“
From West Side Story